CUT BACK TO...Freddy, Jason, Michael, Dracula and Dracula's brides. Dracula turns to his brides suggestively and licks his lips.

Dracula: "How you doin'?"

Brides: "Oh, Drac!"

-Freddy and Jason look at Dracula's brides as if in a trance. They are so gorgeous! Michael turns to Dracula.

Michael Myers: "I have to be honest. I thought 'Van Helsing' was disappointing."

Dracula: "All right."

Michael Myers: "I mean, you, Frankenstein and The Wolfman, were great...but the direction was all over the place. And the CGI effects...were mostly overdone. The parts where The Wolfman turned into, well, the Wolfman, and when you transformed into that batty, long-winged creature were not believable. They seemed out of place."

Dracula: "Oh, really?!"

-Suddenly, Dracula transforms into the batty, long-winged creature he transformed into in the movie. Michael looks in surprised awe. Dracula turns back to regular self.

Michael Myers: "Wow! You really transform like that."

Dracula: "I always have."

Michael Myers: "Why didn't you transform like that in your older black and white movies?"

Dracula: "Because, Hollywood wasn't ready for it yet. The concept was way ahead of its time."

Michael Myers: "Well, you sure looked good in the movie."

Dracula: "You can say that again. It took eight hours to put on the age make-up. But, it was worth it. I looked just like Richard Roxburgh!"

Michael Myers: "Sure did. Of all things, you, Frankenstein and The Wolfman, were the best thing about 'Van Helsing.' You guys were the original 'Big 3'!"

Dracula: "Yes we were."

-All in the while, Freddy and Jason have been drooling over Dracula's three gorgeous brides. The brides love the attention. Dracula notices and turns to Freddy and Jason.

Dracula: "I see you two are fixated on my girls."

Freddy Krueger: "Oh, me? No!"

Jason Voorhees: "I don't know what you're talking about, man!"

Dracula: "It's okay. I'm fixated on them on them too. That's why they're mine."

-Dracula turns to his brides suggestively again and licks his lips.

Dracula: "I'm fixated you three right now..."

Brides: "Oh, Drac!"

Jason Voorhees: "Dude, you're like the Hugh Heffner of horror icons!"

Michael Myers: "Jason!"

Dracula: "It's okay. I actually get that a lot. At my age, I consider that a compliment."

-Dracula turns to Jason.

Dracula: "And, I see that you have been real busy lately with that bloody machete of yours around town."

Jason Voorhees: "Huh?"

-Dracula whips out a newspaper. It is a Inquirer tabloid newspaper. On the cover are pictures of Jason apparently slaughtering paper all over New York. It appears he has been behind several massacres at a wedding, mall, and baseball game.

Michael Myers: "Actually, yeah. I've been curious about those stories as well."

Jason Voorhees: "That wasn't me."

Michael Myers: "What?"

Jason Voorhees: "Believe me, I wish I could take full credit for killing those mass numbers of people, but it wasn't me. I didn't even know about this until now. That has to be a copycat."

Freddy Krueger: "A copycat?!"

Michael Myers: "Didn't we just recently go over all the heroines from Jason's 'Friday The 13th' movies that would probably want to get revenge on him?"

Freddy Krueger: "Yeah, there's Ginny from 'Part 2,' Trish Jarvis from 'The Final Chapter'..."

Jason Voorhees: "Hey, you're right. It could be anyone of them. I have a stalker!"

Michael Myers: "I knew there was something odd about those news stories. You may be the sloppiest of all us killers..."

-Jason shrugs. He is indeed randomly brutal and bloody in his manners.

Michael Myers: "...But you usually choose potential locations that aren't too public."

Jason Voorhees: "Public? What do you mean public? I'll choose any given location and just do my job as is."

Michael Myers: "Oh, so you would crash at some wedding, mall, and baseball game?"

Jason Voorhees: "Actually, I never thought about that crashing at places like those. I would love to set up my work at those places, especially a wedding!"

-Michael shrugs. That's Jason for ya.

Michael Myers: "Well, keep a look out for this copycat killer. It could be any one of those heroines you left alive at the end of one of your films."

Freddy Krueger: "Or, it could be somebody else too."

Jason Voorhees: "Are you kidding? From now on, I'll be ready and prepared for this copycat! I can't wait to run into this copycat and fight it out. It would be a real challenge for once!"

Freddy Krueger: "Other than me?!"

Jason Voorhees: "Are you kidding? You were a pussy!"

Freddy Krueger: "Oh, yeah?!"

Jason Voorhees: "Yeah!"

-Freddy and Jason turn to each other to attack, but only shove each other. They were only kidding around. Michael and Dracula laugh.

CUT TO...an alien and predator at a side bar. The predator relaxes drinking a beer. The alien sneers at the predator showing off its wicked mouth-and-tounge-within-the-tounge tongue. The mouth within the its tongue drools. The predator hisses at the alien.

Predator (translated): "Stop drooling on me!"

-The alien hisses back.

Alien (translated): "I'm going to win..."

Predator (translated): "No, you're not!"

Alien (translated): "Yes I am, and you can't stop me!"

Predator (translated): "We'll see about that!"

-The alien continues to drool.

CUT BACK TO...Chucky and The Tall Man at the side bar.

The Tall Man: "How's 'Seed of Chucky' coming along?"

Chucky: "Just fuckin' dandy. After the success of 'Freddy vs. Jason,' Focus Features bought the rights to my movies from Universal Studios. And now, they are putting my movie under their new subcompany - Rogue Pictures. So now, Don Mancini and I have full creative control."

The Tall Man: "It's about damn time. I've been waiting anxiously for your 'seed'."

Chucky: "And, I'm still anticipating 'Phantasm's End'. Anything new?"

The Tall Man: "I wish I could say so. Recently, Don Coscarelli's 'Bubba Ho-tep' got good buzz in theaters, despite being limited a release. But, the studio hasn't decided yet to finally green light 'Phantasm's End'."

Chucky: "They better fucking do something about it soon. If they hold it back too long, they'll lose touch with your fucking fan base."

The Tall Man: "I'm sure they're just taking their time."

Chucky: "You know, I'll still go over to your studio and take care of those fucking bastards for ya."

The Tall Man: "That's okay. I can always give them a scary dream if I wanted to. I could manipulate them into finally making my movie."

Chucky: "Why don't you?"

The Tall Man: "I just want to have faith. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. They're going to realize that, and eventually let me see my appropriate end."

Chucky: "They fucking better!"

CUT BACK TO...James Bond at one of the back bars. He is still waiting for Pussy Galore, Holly Goodhead and Octopussy, to arrive. That's when Ernst Stavro Blofeld, his arch enemy appears next to him. Blofeld rides up in a motorized wheelchair, dressed in plain gray suit and has a bald head. He is brilliantly evil and is stroking his white cat.

Blofeld: "Well, well, well, Mr. Bond. Interesting to see you here."

James Bond: "Yes. Yes, it is."

Blofeld: "Why don't we treat this like old times and have a little chit-chat?"

James Bond: "Not now. I'm waiting for..."

-Suddenly, Bond feels a strong arm grab him from behind...Jaws, Blofeld's seven food henchman, with great strength and metal for teeth.

Blofeld: "Please, I insist."

James Bond: "On second thought, I don't see why not."

-Blofeld leads James Bond to a table. Blofelt rolls up to the table in his wheelchair, while Jaws makes sure James Bond sits down. Jaws sits down next after.

James Bond: "So what's up, Blofeld? Anything new?"

Blofeld: "Actually, yes. I plan to...take over the world!"

James Bond: "Oh, really?"

-Bond yawns.

Blofeld: "Most certainly. And, seeing how you're here, I'll discuss it with you."

James Bond: "Oh, please do. It's not like anything has stopped you before..."

Blofeld: "What was that?"

James Bond: "Oh, nothing. Go ahead. Indulge."
Blofeld: "Okay. I'm plotting to steal a submarine from every country and use the nuclear weapons within them to destroy earth's land. And, with all that in mind, the few remaining survivors will have no choice but to live on in my underwater city paradise!"

James Bond: "That's a really interesting plan, but there is one problem."

Blofeld: "And, what would that be..."

James Bond: "It's already been tried. Carl Stromberg did that in 'The Spy Who Loved Me,' don't you remember?"

Blofeld: "Oh, hell..."

James Bond: "It's all right. I imagine, what with after twenty films of mine, you villains forget these little things."

Blofeld: "Yeah, well, I have another one. I'll hatch an elaborate plan to steal a Russian decoder. And with this decoder, I will have access to Russian state secrets. This way, I can create ultimate unbalance in the world to my heart's content!"

James Bond: "Nice try. Donald 'Red' Grant of the S.P.E.C.T.R.E. organization tried that in 'From Russia With Love'."

Blofeld: "Okay, okay. I'll launch into space via space shuttles and a create a space city above earth. There, I will plot to release pods with deadly toxins over earth and cause mass murder to world's remaining population. Then, after having already picked out chosen earthlings to mate and populate, we'll live on in the space city for a little while until earth is safe to live in again. I would repopulate earth in my own image. I'd be a god!"

-Bond yawns.

Blofeld: "What?"

James Bond: "Hugo Drax. 'Moonraker'."

-Blofeld sighs of frustration.

James Bond: "Come on, Blofeld. You're an evil genius! There's a reason you're to only villain that's appeared more than one of my films. Can't you come up with something original?"

Blofeld: "You want something original? Here! I'm going get my hands on a Russian space ship and use it to steal an American space capsule. By doing this, The United States will blame Russia, and viola, World War III! And, amidst our damaged planet, I'll proclaim myself leader of the new world!"

-Bond sighs in frustration.

Blofeld: "What?"

James Bond: "That was your own plan! You tried that before in 'You Only Live Twice'. Do you have no shame?"

Blofeld: "Okay, okay. Let me think..."

-Blofeld thinks for a moment. All in the while, James Bond checks his watch for the time. He looks around back at the back bar and sees that his Pussy Galore, Holly Goodhead and Octopussy, have arrived and are waiting for him. They look as gorgeous as ever.

-James Bond attempts to casually get up from the table and leave. Jaws notices and stops him from doing so. He shoves him back in his seat and sneers at him, showing off his metal for teeth. That's when Blofeld finally comes up with a new evil plan.

Blofeld: "I got it! I'll create a 'tractor beam' in order to crash the meteor, 'Midus 22,' into earth and flood our planet. Of course, this will just be a ploy to keep earth hostage. If world leaders refuse to give me a million-billion-trillion-kajillion dollars, everyone on the planet will be doomed! How's that for an evil plan?!"

-James hangs his in shame.

Blofeld: "What is it now?"

James Bond: "You fool! That was Dr. Evil's evil plan in the third 'Austin Powers' movie. And, those movies use Dr. Evil to spoof you! You're putting me and my series to shame, Blofeld. I can't believe you're sinking this low."

-Blofeld hangs his head in shame.

James Bond: "However, forget that for a moment. I've been meaning to ask you and all those other villains something. Why do all guys want to take over the world?"

-Blofeld doesn't know how to answer.

Blofeld: "Uh..."

James Bond: "What's the point of having world domination at your side? Why all the power?"

Blofeld: "Well..."

James Bond: "What is about being above everyone else that turn you guys on so much? Don't you realize that by having complete power over everything on earth, there will be no challenges?"

Blofeld: "Um..."

James Bond: "And, don't you guys realize that with no challenges to face, life would be a boring and pointless place to exist in?"

-James Bond has Blofeld stumped.

Blofeld: "Well...uh..."

James Bond: "You don't know how to answer, do you Blofeld?"

Blofeld: "...Actually, yes! If it weren't for villains like me trying to take over the world, agents and spies like you would cease to exist. Thus, you'd have no point of reason!"

James Bond: "Touché. However, I still have the upper hand. If I didn't have to keep stopping evil villains like from taking over the world, I'd a playboy! I'd exist to shag with all the worldly women! There'd be plenty to go around!"

-Bond has Blofeld completely stumped. He beat at his own game. Blofeld sighs of frustration.

Blofeld: "Bond, you have outsmarted me for the last time!"

-Blofeld turns to Jaws.

Blofeld: "Jaws, take Mr. Bond to that back room and see that he finally learns the meaning of death."

-Jaws grins showing off his metal teeth, then gets up. He grabs Bond and starts assisting him to one of the back rooms of Pinhead's club. As he does, Bond turns back to Blofeld.

James Bond: "You think I'll learn the meaning of death? I've always escaped death traps from villains like you and have lived to tell about it! You won't get away with this!"

Blofeld: "We'll see about that."

-Jaws shoves Bond and leads him into a back room. The back room is fogged up with mist. James Bond and Jaws cannot see through to the other side. Jaws grabs Bond in attempt to bite his neck with his metal for teeth and kill him. However, Bond manages to get out of his hold.

-Bond runs to other side of the room. He whips out his gun. He aims at Jaws, but Jaws walks into the mist. James shoots into the mist in attempt to shoot Jaws, but hears no body falling. All in the while, a door on the other side of the misty room is heard opening and closing. Bond fires more bullets into the mist. No luck.

-That's when Jaws knocks Bond over from behind. Bond looks in surprise to see that Jaws went across the misty room to his side and didn't get lost within the mist. Jaws grabs Bond and lifts high into the air. He sneers at him and shows off his metal teeth. Finally, Jaws turns his head as if to bite the neck of James Bond.

-Suddenly, a cenobite attacks Jaws from behind. Bond tumbles to the ground. The cenobite is once-human creature wearing a slick, black, rubber suit and has deformed head. He has a white, plain, and mustached face and has a video-camera as one of his eyes. Bond and Jaws look in awe. The camera zooms in as the half-man/half-camera cenobite turns to them.

Half-man/half-camera cenobite: "Ready for your close-ups??"

-Bond gets up and runs for the door leading back into the main room. Jaws isn't so lucky. The cenobite grabs him before he can escape. The cenobite lifts Jaws up to his level. Jaws is scared. This cenobite is stronger then he is. Jaws tries to break out of his grip, but is unable to.

Half-man/half-camera cenobite: "Leaving already? We haven't even finished my interview yet!"

-The cenobite zooms in his camera at Jaws.

Half-man/half-camera cenobite: "Trust me, you'll love this shot!"

-The cenobite zooms in his camera more and finally shoots. Jaws' head is blasted to pieces and his brains splatter over the circular window on the door leading to the main room. Back in the main room, Bond recovers and tidies up his suit. He heads back to the table where Blofeld is. Blofeld is surprised to see Bond.

Blofeld: "You...how did you escape?"

James Bond: "With help. What'd I tell you before, I always find a way out your death traps."

Blofeld: "Not this one."

-Blofeld is whips out a gun to shoot Bond. That's when Pinhead comes to the scene.

Pinhead: "I don't think so."

Blofeld: "What?"

Pinhead: "If anybody is going to take over the world, it's me! I had the chance to before, but chose not to."

Blofeld: "What's this to you?"

Pinhead: "It's everything to me! I'm the Prince of Hell!"

-The twin cenobites arrive to the scene. They are tall once-human creatures with slick, black, rubber suits on, and have twisted faces, thanks to a twisted and conjoined connection between their heads. Blofeld looks in shock at the sight of them and Pinhead. Pinhead turns to the twin cenobites.

Pinhead: "Take him away."

Twin Cenobites: "Yes, Pinhead."

-The twin cenobites take a hold of Blofeld's wheel chair and push him towards one of the back rooms.

Blofeld: "No! You can't do this! Where are you they taking me?"

Pinhead: "To the inner dimensions of Hell, where I will discover the things that make you whimper. Down the dark decades of pain, this will seem like a memory of Heaven."

-The twins push Blofeld into the back room.

Blofeld: "Nooooo...!"

James Bond: "It looks as if the world has been saved again. If you excuse me..."

-Bond attempts to casually leave the scene and meet up his Bond girls at the back bar. Pinhead stops Bond.

Pinhead: "Not so fast!"

-Bond stops in his tracks.

Pinhead: "You have crossed paths with me more than once upon saving the this god forsaken planet. Cross me again and your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell!"

-Pinhead walks away in a huff. James Bonds shudders for a moment, then meets up with Pussy Galore, Holly Goodhead and Octopussy, at back bar.

James Bond: "I apologize for my absence. I had to leftover business to take care of."

Bond Girls: "Oh, James!"

CUT TO...Mike Myers entering the entrance of Pinhead's club. Mike Myers looks around the club and is mesmerized. Pinhead comes up to greet him.

Mike Myers: "Hey, I'm here. I'm Mike..."

-Mike Myers looks in surprise at Pinhead's appearance.

Mike Myers: "...Myers...Hey, great make-up!"

-Pinhead is not flattered.

Pinhead: "Yes...thanks."

Mike Myers: How many hours does it take to get all that on? When I was the Cat in The Hat last year, it took ten hours to put on all that hairy make-up!"

Pinhead: "If it's a painful and tortuous make-up you speak of, you have nothing on me."

Mike Myers: "What?"

Pinhead: "Just go backstage and prepare. I'll call you out in a few moments when Jerry Seinfeld is finished with his act."

Mike Myers: "Oh, all right."

-Mike Myers heads backstage to prepare. On stage is Jerry Seinfeld doing his stand-act. People gather around the dance floor where Tables and chairs set up to listen to the comedian. Seinfeld finishes up a segment of his act.

Jerry Seinfeld: "...And, that's how penises and vaginas work!"

-The people in club are laughing out loud at Seinfeld. He just delivered what he calls the penis and vagina monologues. Seinfeld starts the final segment of his act.

Jerry Seinfeld: "What's up with today's horror movies? I mean, there's psycho killers, Freddy and Jason, fighting out some brawl, there's bloody cannibalism and chainsawing..."

-The crowd clap and cheer. They enjoyed "Freddy vs. Jason" and the remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Jerry Seinfeld: "...And, there's even some creeper guy eating people for twenty-three days every twenty-three years!"

-The crowd boos. They are less enthusiastic about "Jeepers Jeepers 2" and The Creeper's antics.

Jerry Seinfeld: "Well, what I find hilariously wrong with today's horror movies is the delivery of scares. In your typical 'scary' situation, you have some blonde, big breasted bimbo in a house all alone. I'll call her Tina..."

-The guys in the crowd cheer. They love seeing blonde, big breasted bimbos like Tina in horror movies!

Guys: "Yeah! Tina!!"

Jerry Seinfeld: "...And, Tina will usually end up hearing a noise in a hallway. She just has to find out what the noise is. She'll creep slowly through the dark hallway..."

-Seinfeld imitates Tina creeping slowly through hallway. The crowd laughs.

Jerry Seinfeld: "...Of course, it always has to be dark in the house. Either the killer cuts the power or a storm does. I've checked. This happens in every slasher movie to date!"

-Freddy, Jason and Michael, Dracula and Dracula's brides, watch Seinfeld's act.

Michael Myers: "He's right. Us killers always cut the power. Or the storm does for us. It's a leading advantage for us."

Jerry Seinfeld: "...Now, Tina will be scared walking in the dark hallway. Just in case a friend of hers is there, she will have the ineptitude to call out that friend in the dark hallway...even despite that there may indeed be a killer in the hallway and that she'd be only pointing out where she is directly..."

-Seinfeld imitates Tina with a woman-ish voice.

Jerry Seinfeld: "...Sara?...Sara, is that you?..."

-The crowd laughs. Blonde, big-breasted bimbos like Tina can be so stupid.

Jerry Seinfeld: "...Sara?...Is that you, Sara?...Sara??...For Christ's sakes, answer me!"

-The crowd laughs more. Blonde, big-breasted bimbos like Tina are very stupid indeed.

Jerry Seinfeld: "Now, it's after Tina calls out for her friend when we see the killer. Tina will creep further up the hallway and the killer will suddenly pop up out of nowhere scaring Tina and the audience. However, it isn't the killer popping up out nowhere that scares the audience. It is the orchestrated-like 'TWAAAAANG!!' effect the filmmakers throw in!"

-The crowd laughs. They know what Seinfeld means.

Jerry Seinfeld: "Yes, at the precise moment the killer pops up, you hear an annoying 'TWAAAAANG!!' chord. It's just as bad as automated laughs provided for sitcoms on television these days. An actor may deliver a line that is not funny, not funny in the slightest, but that's not going to stop the automated laughter machine going 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....!!' all over your ass!"

-The crowd laughs. They hate automated laughs too.

Jerry Seinfeld: "And, filmmakers are doing the same thing now. Today's slasher movies, they are becoming duller and more predictable as they come. You'll know at a certain point that something is about to happen, or that someone, possibly the killer, is about to pop up. And, despite how predictable it is, it still scares us because of that damn 'TWAAAAANG!!' effect playing at maximum volume on a boomer box!"

The crowd laughs. Filmmakers truly underestimate their group demographic.

Jerry Seinfeld: "Now, I remember and lived the 1970's and 80's. Never did filmmakers use that 'TWAAAAANG!!' effect along with the popping up killer to scare the victim and audience. They didn't have to. Just the killer popping up was enough to surprise us. It worked for better effect. There was no 'TWAAAAANG!!' coming up on high volume on us!"

-The crowd can't get over Seinfeld. He is so right.

Jerry Seinfeld: "But, everything in horror movies have changed now. We're not getting scared by the killer anymore. We're getting scared by orchestra music."

-The crowd stand up and cheer for Jerry Seinfeld. They truly enjoyed his performance.

Jerry Seinfeld: "Thank you. Thank you. Take care and good night!"

-Seinfeld walks off the stage. Pinhead walks on-stage and the audience lightens up.

Pinhead: "I regret to inform you all that Jim Carrey will not be available to perform his stand up act."

-The crowd responds in surprise.

Pinhead: "Yes, he now has a fate worse than death..."

-The crowd reacts in horror thinking he's dead.

Pinhead: "...He's with God now..."

-The crowd in are in shocked awe. From Pinhead's use of words, they think Jim Carrey has passed away, when he has really become God!

Pinhead: "...However, I have someone else performing for him...Mike Myers!"

-The crowd boos. They still haven't forgiven him for appearing in and starring as "The Cat in The Hat," the recent film adoption of Dr. Suess' classic children's book. Freddy and Jason laugh. Michael has seldom ever been fifty feet of the comedian who shares his name.

Pinhead: "Hush! Of all things, you will be nice...or else!"

-Everybody shuts up.

Pinhead: "That's better. Now, welcome our next stand up actor, Michael, er, I mean, Mike Myers!"

-Pinhead steps off stage, and comedian Mike Myers walks on stage to greet the crowd.

Mike Myers: "Wow! How great to be here in New York! What can I say, I happen to be in the neighborhood!"

-The crowd is not amused. Mike Myers actually has been living in New York for several years. People still attack him on the street for doing "The Cat in The Hat"!

Mike Myers: "Wow, what an exciting crowd!"

-Of course, the crowd is not excited. Mike Myers is only trying to warm them up. Michael sighs.

Michael Myers: "He's the reason I now have a bad name. People used to love him for his 'Austin Powers' movies, and people would stupidly mistaken me for him on street very enthusiastically. Now, they hate him for doing 'The Cat in The Hate' and now people on the street run away from me!"

Mike Myers: "So...what about that Michael Myers guy??"

-The crowd warms up to him a bit and chuckles. Freddy and Jason laugh. It is rather funny that the comedian shares the same name of the boogeyman.

Mike Myers: "Really, what is it with him? First, he steals my name, then he killed my target audience last year!"

-The crowd warms up to him more and laughs. Michael is embarrassed.

Michael Myers: "Oh, so now he's blaming me for his 'Cat in The Hat' film bombing last year? It was because his fans realized it was a bad movie! He's not going to get away with this!"

Mike Myers: "Not only that, he nearly killed my career! First, comes the success of 'Wayne's World' in 1992."

-The crowd claps and cheers. As bad as "The Cat in The Hat" is, "Waynes World" was still an awesome movie.

Mike Myers: "Then, I did 'Wayne's World 2' and 'So, I Married an Ax Murderer' in 1993, and both films flop. Sounds like someone's been busy sharpening that sharp kitchen knife!"

-The crowd isn't as enthusiastic. They aren't letting him get away with that one. "Wayne's World 2" and "So I married an Ax Murderer" really were inferior films.

Mike Myers: "But, then again, I should have let that boogeyman kill me over those films anyway. I really rushed those films and robbed them of their goods! Kill me, Michael! Kill me good!"

-That's when Michael Myers comes out from back stage to meet up with Mike Myers. He whips out a bloody knife and attacks the comedian with it. However, the knife just foams around and Mike Myers pretends that he's dying. That Michael was obviously just a partner in Mike Myer's act. His partner is Wesley Craven.

Mike Myers: "Oww! I'm dying! I'm dying and I can't get up!"

-The crowd laughs at Mike Myers for being able to laugh at himself. Mike Myers gets back up and Wesley Craven goes backstage.

Mike Myers: "After that, I jumped onto the series that saved my career...'Austin Powers'!"

-The crowd goes crazy and cheers. They love the "Austin Powers" movies.

Mike Myers: "I did three of those films, and it was shagalicious baby!"

-The audince laugh and cheer. They just loved him as Austin Powers.

Mike Myers: "Then, I made the misfortune of signing onto a film adoption of Dr. Suess's well known children's book...'The Cat in The Hat'!"

The crowd boos.

Mike Myers: "Yes, boo me all you want! I sucked and the movie sucked! I never should have made 'The Cat in The Hat'! I should be burned at the stake. No! I should be slaughtered by Michael Myers! I deserve such a fate!"

-The crowd laughs and cheers for Mike Myers being able to laugh at himself more. That's when his partner comes out to playfully stab him again. He stabs the plastic knife at him and Mike Myers pretends he's dying.

Mike Myers: "Oww! I'm dying! I'm dying, and I love it baby!"

-That's when real Michael Myers comes out on stage and stabs Mike Myer's partner. He stabs Wesley Craven in the back and raises him in the air. Having been stabbed in the back where his nerves are, Wesley Craven shakes around uncontrollably and gurgles blood from his mouth. Finally, Wesley Craven dies off and his feet flail. Michael drops the body.

-Mike Myers looks in shock. This was not part of his act! Michael Myers really just killed his partner. Mike looks at Michael. Michael stares him down with his dead-like eyes. Mike Myers, shakan, turns to the crowd. The crowd is in awe over what happened. They don't how to respond. Finally, they start laughing and cheering for Mike Myers. They thought it was all fake and part of his act!

Mike Myers: "Uh, what?"

-The crowd laughs and cheers more.

Mike Myers: "Did you just see what happened? Michael Myers just killed my partner!"

-The crowd laughs and cheers for Mike Myers more. They think he's kidding!

Mike Myers: "The real Michael Myers just killed my partner! I'm not kidding! Don't you all see a freakin' problem here?? Call the Police! Call 911!"

-The crowd goes crazy over Mike Myers. Mike Myers doesn't know what to do. He turns to Michael, then to the crazy crowd and then back to Michael. Michael takes the knife out of his partner's body and charges for him.

Mike Myers: "No!"

-The crowd laugh and cheer for him more. Michael continues charging for Mike Myers. Mike Myers backs away but steps too far, and falls over the stage. He falls on the dance floor and is knocked out. The crowd looks in shock.

-That's when Michael jumps down and waves his hands signaling that it is still part of Mike Myers' act. Michael picks up Mike Myers and carries him over his shoulder. He walks back onto the stage and carries the comedian with him. Along the way, he grabs Wesley Craven and drags him backstage with Mike Myers. As Michael carries them away backstage, the crowd stands up for a standing ovation. So does Freddy and Jason.

Freddy Krueger: "Go, Michael!"

Jason Voorhees: "Yeah!"

 

-Moments later, Michael returns to their table.

Freddy Krueger: "I see you took care of your good twin!"

Michael Myers: "You mean my evil twin. I may the boogeyman, but that 'comedian' has always got on my nerves. I've been meaning to teach him a lesson."

-Jason high-five's Michael.

Jason Voorhees: "Great handiwork!"

Freddy Krueger: "So, what did you do to him backstage? Use that bloody knife and stab him to your heart's content?"

Jason Voorhees: "Or, slaughter him all over the place?"

Michael Myers: "Neither. I simply put him in my shoes, so he'll know how I feel."

Freddy and Jason: "Huh?"

Michael Myers: "Just read that tabloid newspaper tomorrow. You'll see."

CUT BACK TO...Chucky and The Tall Man. Chucky and The Tall Man chug down beers at the same time and set the glasses back on the counter. They are getting drunk.

Chucky: "So...*Burp*...I'm at home, and I go into the twins room to see if they're sleeping...*Burp*...I end step on a squeaky toy or something...*Burp*...I end up waking up the twins and they cry their fuckin' hearts out!"

The Tall Man: "Oh, man...*Belch*...that's bad!"

Chucky: "Yeah it is...*Burp*...Well, Tiffany hears them crying and gets angry at me for waking them up...*Burp*...the bitch just yells, yells, and yells at me...*Burp*...I'm thinking like, 'Hey, leave me alone, bitch!'!"

The Tall man: "I hear ya man...*Belch*...I hear ya."

Chucky: "It wasn't my fucking fault the twins started crying...*Burp*...I'm not the one who left the toys all over the floor...*Burp*...But, anyway she stops yelling at me and consoles the twins...*Burp*...The twins instantly stop crying like she has some instant fucking touch or something."

The Tall Man: "My children were always afraid of me because I was so damn tall...*Belch*...It's like, I come up to hug my son, and he just starts crying...*Belch*...That always hurt my feelings...*Belch*...It was awkward enough to just have sex with my wife, because I was so damn tall!"

Chucky: "Hey, it's not any better being dolls...*Burp*...Let's see, I'm plastic, and Tiffany, she's like a piece of fucking wood when I fuck her...*Burp*...It takes fucking forever to get something out of her!"

CUT TO...three punks and an older guy. Actually, the older guy is the comic book guy, who is fat, has no life and is a forty-five year old virgin.

Punk #1: "'Freddy vs. Jason rules!"

Punk #2: "Yeah!"

Punk #3: "I love 'Freddy vs. Jason'!"

Comic Book Guy: "Oh, please! 'Freddy vs. Jason' sucks balls!"

Punk #2: "What??"

Punk #1: "How can you say that?"

Comic Book Guy: "Because, it is my opinion. Just as all of you can, for some reason, love the atrocious crap that is 'Freddy vs. Jason,' I personally think it is a very, very bad 'film'."

Punk #3: "Dude, you're being to hard on it."

Punk #1: "Yeah, live a little."

Comic Book Guy: "I do live a little. I live in reality. In our world, 'Freddy vs. Jason' could not be anymore ludicrous. It does, however, have a fitting title."

Punk #2: "Yeah, great simple little title. 'Freddy vs. Jason'! I'm glad it wasn't called 'Friday The 13th on a Nightmare on Elm Street' or something."

Punk #3: "That title would have sucked."

Comic Book Guy: "Yes, 'Freddy vs. Jason' is perfect title for this atrocious piece of crap. In one corner is Freddy Krueger, played by Robert Englund overacting to the point of fatigue as the already ridiculous supernatural villian. And in the other corner, Jason Ritter, playing the 'heroic' teen, and acting so badly, awfully, horrendously, ludicrously..."

-The punks get confused over the comic book guy's big words.

Comic Book Guy: "...And so atrociously, that he gives John Travolta a run for his money in regards to his 'performance' in the equally bad 'Battlefield Earth'. Oh, who will out-overact the other?"

Punk #2: "Are you kidding me, man? Come on, neither of them were that bad."

Comic Book Guy: "Whatever. 'Freddy vs. Jason': Worst...movie...ever!"

-Freddy and Jason heard what the comic book guy had to say about their movie a few tables down. They are beyond pissed! They get up to attack the comic book guy. That's when Pinhead arrives to their table and stops them.
Pinhead: "Let me take care of this!"

-Pinhead is more than happy to torture another soul...especially the comic book guy! Suddenly, two hook-attached-chains come out of the darkness of the dimly lit room and sic at the comic book guy. The comic book guy looks in shock the hook-attached-chains sic into his hands and hold him out.

Comic Book Guy: "What?? What is this?"

Pinhead: "You're think you're so smart. You think you're so...special. When underneath, you're really just a lonely, nearly middle-aged loser. And, you realize that, and try to cover it up by being so ignorant over every blessed everything."

-The comic book guy is scared shitless.

Comic Book Guy: "Huh?"

Pinhead: "You are the ultimate self-loathing New Yorker I know of. I have centuries to discover the things that make you whimper."

Comic Book Guy: "No!!"

Pinhead: "Yes!!"

-The chains pull the comic book guy away into a back room and into the inner dimensions of hell.

Comic Book Guy: "Nooooo....!"

-Everybody in the club applauds for Pinhead and his actions.

CUT BACK TO...James Bond and his Bond girls, Pussy Galore, Holly Goodhead and Octopussy. They sit at a table and have their drinks. Bond turns to this Bond girls suggestively.

James Bond: "So...what do you girls want to do tonight?"

Bond Girls: "Oh, James!"

James Bond: "What say we...go to the beach and take a nice swim a-nude?"

Bond girls: "Oh, James!"

James Bond: "What say we...go to a local dance club and shake our booties?"

Bond girls: "Oh, James!"

James Bond: "What say we...go back to my pad and have the time of our lives?"

Bond girls: "Oh, James!!"

James Bond: "Yes, we should go back to my pad. There, I have the most amazing toys and gadgets you'd go crazy over!"

Holly Goodhead: "And, what about protection?"

James Bond: "Protection?"

Octopussy: "Yeah, you know...condoms?"

James Bond: "Uh, what?"

Pussy Galore: "You mean, you haven't been using any sort of protection every night I come over to see you?!"

James Bond: "Uh..."

-The Bond girls go crazy!

Holly Goodhead: "I can't believe you! It's your fault I haven't had my period yet this month!"

Pussy Galore: "Yeah, same with me!"

Octopussy: "And, me!"

James Bond: "Um..."

Holly Goodhead: "I can't believe the nerve of you!"

Octopussy: "You asshole!"

Pussy Galore: "My husband is going to kill me!"

James Bond: "You're husband?!"

-That's when Bond clears his throat.

James Bond: "Okay, okay."

-Bond turns to Octopussy suggestively.

James Bond: "Have I told you how much I adore you?"
Octopussy: "Yes, plenty of times."

James Bond: "And, have I told you how much I adore your..."

-Bond whispers dirty things into Octopussy's ear. Octopussy blushes.

Octopussy: "Oh, James!"

-Bond turns to Pussy Galore suggestively.

James Bond: "Remember that time when we were up in space?"

Pussy Galore: "Huh?"

Holly Goodhead: "Uh, that was me!"

James Bond: "Oh, well..."

-Bond turns to Holly Goodhead suggestively.

James Bond: "Remember that night in that hotel when we..."

-Bond whispers dirty things into Holly Goodhead's ear. She blushes. Pussy Galore and Octopussy turn to each other wondering with curiosity what dirty things Bond is whispering.

Holly Goodhead: "Oh, James!"

-Bond turns back to Octopussy suggestively.

James Bond: "I absolutely cannot forget that night when..."

-Bond whispers dirty things into Octopussy's ear. Octopussy turns to James Bond in shock and slaps him.

Octopussy: "That wasn't me!"

James Bond: "Oh, yeah, uh..."

-Bond turns back to Octopussy suggestively one more time.

James Bond: "Remember that time when we were stuck in the bathroom, and in order to escape, we had to..."

-Bond again whispers dirty things into Octopussy's ear. Octopussy blushes. Pussy Galore and Holly Goodhead turn to each other wondering with curiosity what James Bond is whispering.

Octopussy: "Oh, James!"

-Bond smiles. He had the power again! He turns to his Bond girls very suggestively.

James Bond: "So, as I said before...what say we all go back to my pad and have time of our lives?"

Bond girls: "Oh, James!"

-James Bond and his Bond girls get up and he leads them to the entrance of the club. They giggle as if they are excited over something!

CUT BACK TO...Freddy, Jason, Michael, Dracula and Dracula's brides. Dracula whispers dirty things into his brides' ears.

Dracula turns to Freddy, Jason and Michael.

Dracula: "I don't know about you fellas, but I think my brides and I have to leave and pay our dues. I promised them a night they would never forget, and I don't expect to break it."

-Dracula turns to his brides suggestively.

Dracula: "Shall we..."

Brides: "Oh, Drac!"

-Dracula and his brides get up from the table and he leads them to entrance of Pinhead's club. They giggle as if they are excited over something! Upon reaching the front doors, they run into James Bond and his Bond girls. Bond notices Dracula's brides and flinches. Dracula notices Bond's girls and stares at them intently and licks his lips. They continue so for a moment. Finally, Dracula turns to Bond.

Dracula: "Bond."

-James Bond turns to Dracula.

Bond: "Count."

Dracula: "A fancy seeing you here."

James Bond: "Same to you."

Dracula: "What say we..."

-Dracula looks back at Bond's girls and licks his lips.

Dracula: "...Swap women for the night?"

James Bond: "Hmm...I'll have to see about that. You and your brides will play nice?"

Dracula: "Why, of course. I wouldn't dare harm a fellow film icon. Of all things, I was going to ask you the same."

James Bond: "Don't worry about me. I'll be on my best behavior."

Dracula: "Then, I think we've reached an agreement."

James Bond: "Yes, I don't see why not."

-Bond turns to Dracula's brides.

James Bond: "Ladies?"

Brides: "Oh, James!"

-Dracula turns to James' Bond girls.

Dracula: "Come, I'll show you a good time..."

Bond Girls: "Oh, Drac!"

-The three Bond girls join Dracula and the three brides join Bond. The groups go their separate ways. As two groups leave, Dracula winks back at his brides leaving with Bond. His brides wink back at him.

CUT BACK TO...Freddy, Jason and Michael.

Michael Myers: "Man, that Dracula sure is one lucky guy."

Jason Voorhees: "You can say that again!"

Freddy Krueger: "And, no doubt he'll be getting lucky tonight!"

Jason Voorhees: "Three times!"

-Freddy, Jason and Michael, laugh.

CUT BACK TO...the alien and predator. The alien is still sneering at the predator, showing off its mouth-and-tounge-within-its-tounge tounge. The little mouth continues drooling. The predator hisses back at the alien.

Predator (translated): "Again, stop drooling on me already!"

-The alien hisses back at the predator.

Alien (translated): "I'm going to win..."

Predator (translated): "You're only trying to annoying me. It isn't working."

-The alien continues drooling.

Predator (translated): "Come on! Stop drooling! Close your mouth!"

Alien (translated): "...I'm going to win..."

Predator (translated): "Stop saying that!"

Alien (translated): "...I'm going to win..."

Predator (translated): "That's it!"

-The predators jumps up and attacks the alien. The alien fights back. They attack and hiss at each other violently.

CUT BACK TO...Chucky and The Tall Man at the side bar. Chucky and The Tall Man are completely wasted. They awkwardly stand on top of the bar counter and sing and dance to a familiar tune.

Chucky: "I'm a little tea pot...*Burp*...short and stout..."

-The Tall Man bumps his head on the ceiling while forming a tea pot with his tall body.

The Tall Man: "...Here is my handle...*Belch*...Here is my spout..."

-Chucky barely functions around forming a tea pot, he is so drunk.

Chucky: "...If you're ever thirsty...*Burp*...pour me up..."

-The Tall Man bumps his head on the ceiling again. He's also losing coordination as a tea cup, he's so drunk.

The Tall Man: "...Tip me over...*Belch*..."

Chucky: "...And...*Burp*...fill me up!"

-A crowd of people, drunk and sober, witnessed Chucky's and The Tall Man's antics. They clap and cheer for there performance. Chucky and The Tall Man, drunk as drunk can be, turn to each other then to the people watching them.

Chucky and The Tall Man: "Goodnight!"

-Chucky and The Tall Man finally fall asleep from their drunkenness and fall over the counter. The people back away as they fall to the floor. Pinhead arrives to the scene.

Pinhead: "What the HELL is going on over here?!"

The cenobite behind the counter turns to Pinhead.

Female Cenobite: "They were drunk. They danced on top of the counter and eventually fell over."

-A drunk guy, Barney Gumble, from the crowd turns to Pinhead.

Barney Gumble: "Yeah, they sang and danced to that 'I'm a Little Tea Pot' song!...*BURP*..."

-That's when the Barney falls asleep from his own drunkenness and falls over next to Chucky and The Tall Man. Pinhead sighs and signals for assistance. The twin cenobites arrive to the scene.

Twin Cenobites: "Yes, Pinhead?"

Pinhead: "Please get these drunken fools on the floor out of my club immediately."

Twin Cenobites: "Yes, sir."

Pinhead: "That's Pinhead to you two!"

Twin Cenobites: "Yes, Pinhead!"

Pinhead: "That's better!"

-The twin cenobites proceed to drag Chucky, The Tall Man and Barney, out of Pinhead's night club. Pinhead meets up with Freddy, Jason and Michael, and sits at their table.

Pinhead: "I hope you guys have been enjoy tonight's show."

Freddy Krueger: "Sure did."

Jason Voorhees: "Hell, yeah!"

Michael Myers: "Every night at this club is a new adventure."

Pinhead: "Yes. Yes it is."

Michael Myers: "But, whatever happened to Jim Carrey? Why couldn't he come?"

Pinhead: "If you must know, he cursed off God. And apparently, God has given him his powers for a week to show him how 'easy' his position is. Oh, 'God' has no idea how easy his job is! Being the Prince of Hell, I have lot of difficulties responsibilities. How to kill this guy, how to torture that guy..."

Michael Myers: "And, Mike Myers?"

Pinhead: "Yes. I apologize for any inconveniences he caused you. He had been hassling me lately about having starting up a gig here. Apparently, no other clubs will take him."

Michael Myers: "After 'The Cat in The Hat'?"

Pinhead: "Yes, after the god awful 'Cat in The Hat'!"

Jason Voorhees: "What about 'Shrek 2'? He voices the main character in that movie, and it's coming out soon."

Freddy Krueger: "Yeah. 'Shrek' was a major success three years ago, and the sequel looks to do the same business."

Michael Myers: "I suppose that 'Shrek' isn't enough to make up for 'The Cat in The Hat'?"

Pinhead: "I guess not. But, forget that. I could care less about Mike Myers and his awful 'Cat in The Hat'! The best thing to come of tonight's antics are my two brand new cenobites!"

-Two new cenobites come out. One is the comic book guy. His fat belly sticks out under his new slick, black, rubber suit and his face has been pressed by wires. His hands are equipped with a power saw and knife. Pinhead turned the comic book guy into a comic book cenobite.

-The other cenobite is Blofeld. The cenobite rolls out in Blofeld's motorized wheel chair. Blofeld is now a wearing slick black rubber suit. The wheels on his wheel chair have spikes sticking out of the sides. Two spikes stick into the brilliant mind of Blofeld's head. Attached to the wheel chair is a machine pad wrapping around on Blofeld's arms. His hands come equipped with lasers. Freddy, Jason and Michael, look in awe at these two new creations.

Pinhead: "Meet my two newest cenobites."

Freddy Krueger: "Looks like these cenobite will give Ash and Robocop a run for their money!"

Jason Voorhees: "Robo cenobite? Awesome!"

Michael Myers: "Why does that second one look so familiar?"

Pinhead: "Yes, they are brilliant creations. If only there were some misguided fools nearby..."

-Over at side the bar is documentary filmmaker Michael Moore of "Fahrenheit 9/11" fame/infamy and Democratic/Manchurain U.S. Presidential candidate, John Kerry. A crowd of people gather around them to hear what they have to say.

Michael Moore: "America sucks! The Government sucks! President Bush sucks! I rule!!"

John Kerry: "I'm Democratic...no, I'm Republican...no, Democratic..."

Michael Moore: "I hate America! I hate how Bush runs it! I hate this club! I hate everything!!"

John Kerry: "...I'm a straight...no, I'm gay...no, straight...no, uh..."

-A guy questions Michael Moore.

Guy: "What's your problem? Why do you hate Bush so much?"

Michael Moore: "Just see my film, 'Fahrenheit 9/11' when it comes out. You'll understand."

Guy: "Why can't you tell me now?"

Michael Moore: "Just see 'Fahrenheit 9/11 when it hits theaters. You'll see."

Guy: "But, why can't you tell me right now? Can't you back up your own ideas? Or, are you just trying to promote your movie?"

Michael Moore: "Yeah, well... you suck! And, I rule!"

John Kerry: "My name is John Kerry...no, John Smith...wait, John Doe...no, John Kerry..."

-Pinhead sets his sights on Michael Moore and John Kerry.

Pinhead: "Ah, ha!"

-Pinhead turns to his two brand cenobites.

Pinhead: "Take care of those two political fools! Now!!"

-The two cenobites head for Michael Moore and John Kerry at the bar. The crowd around the two political fools clears away as the two cenobites charge for them. The comic book cenobite grabs Michael Moore and shoves him to a back room. The Blofeld cenobite grabs John Kerry and rolls to another of the back rooms dragging John Kerry. Freddy, Jason and Michael, leave Pinhead's club, just as the two cenobites make mincemeat out of Michael Moore and John Kerry.

Michael Moore: "No! I hate this club! I hate Pinhead! And, I hate the way you're killing me! Argh..."

John Kerry: "...I'm alive...no, I'm dead...wait, I'm alive...no, I'm dying...I'm, uh..."

-The two cenobites have done their work. Pinhead is pleased.

Comic Book Cenobite: "Best...kill...ever!"

-Moments later, FBI agent, Donald Loomis, jumps back into the club.

Donald Loomis: "Ha!"

-But, Donald doesn't see Michael. He runs to the side bars.

Donald Loomis: "I know you're..."

-Nobody. Donald runs to the back bars. No sight of the boogeyman. He desperately runs around to the other side bars. No sight. Other FBI agents, including Donald's Superior, come through to the entrance to meet up with Donald.

FBI Superior: "He better be here, Donald."

Donald Loomis: "Uh, he is. He has to be! I got an anonymous call just fifteen minutes ago from somebody that he was here."

FBI Superior: "Well, is he?"

Donald Loomis: "I just checked around the bars, but he wasn't there. He has to be somewhere."

-Donald's superior turns to the other FBI agents.

FBI Superior: "Okay. Look all over this club for the suspect. Those back rooms, that stage area, everywhere around this club."

-The FBI agents start looking around for Michael Myers. The FBI Superior turns to Donald.

FBI Superior: "You better be right. I was just about get laid!"

-Moments later, a bunch FBI agents come from the back rooms to meet up with Donald and their Superior.

FBI agent: "He's not in any of the back rooms."

-Donald's Superior sighs. Then, a bunch of FBI agents come from the stage area with two bodies...Michael Myers and a corpse.

Donald Loomis: "Yes! Yes! YES!!"

FBI Superior: "Relax, Donald. We still have to be sure."

-They look at the body of what appears to be Michael Myers. He is still alive and breathing. The FBI agents already covered up the corpse with a sheet. Donald stares at Michael Myers, ready to unmask him.

FBI Superior: "Well, do it already!"

Donald Loomis: "Okay! Okay!"

-Donald grabs the white, plain Halloween mask and starts pulling it off Michael's face. He takes off the mask revealing the face of...comedian Mike Myers! Michael switched the disguises between Mike Myers and Wesley Craven! Donald falls back and sighs. He realizes it was a trick, but his Superior doesn't.

FBI Superior: "Well, is it him?"

Donald Loomis: "No!"

FBI Superior: "After all this? It has to be him!"

Donald Loomis: "It's not him!"

FBI Superior: "We'll see."

-Donald's Superior, unaware that figure in the get up is Mike Myers, slaps the comedian's face. Mike Myers wakes up dazed.

Mike Myers: "Huh?"

FBI Superior: "Are you Michael Myers?"

Mike Myers: "Yes, but my friends call me..."

FBI Superior: "Take him away!"

Mike Myers: "What? Me? No!"

FBI Superior: "You are under arrest for first, second, and third degree murder. You killed your family, and those of other families. You're going to be put away for a very long time!"

Mike Myers: "What? But, I didn't do anything!"

FBI Superior: "Sure you didn't."

-The FBI agents handcuff Mike Myers and take him away.

Mike Myers: "Noooo...!"

-The FBI Superior turns to Donald.

FBI Superior: "Excellent work, Donald. You've found your boogeyman. You should be proud."

Donald Loomis: "But, that wasn't him!"

FBI Superior: "He said his name was Michael Myers!"

Donald Loomis: "Not the killer Michael Myers, the comedian Mike Myers!"

FBI Superior: "You mean the guy in 'The Cat in The Hat'?"

Donald Loomis: "Yes!"

FBI Superior: "Well, I loved 'The Cat in The Hat'! But, I don't believe that is him. I think your paranoia is just getting to you. Tomorrow, check yourself into the therapist at our department. You'll thank me later."

Donald Loomis: "But, that wasn't him!"

FBI Superior: "Case closed!"

-Mike Myers is taken away into FBI custody and Donald Loomis nearly freaks out. Michael Myers has fooled his opposers again.

Donald Loomis: "Nooooo...!"

THE END